“Tenacity is more than endurance, it is endurance combined with the absolute certainty that what we are looking for is going to transpire. Tenacity is more than hanging on, which may be but the weakness of being afraid to fall off. Tenacity is the supreme effort of a man refusing to believe that his hero is going to be conquered.” Oswald Chambers
“Every day men/women fail morally, spiritually, relationally, and financially; not because they have blind spots and weak spots which they surmise they can handle on their own. One of the greatest reasons men/women get into trouble is that they do not have to answer to anyone for their lives.” Patrick Morley
An inheritance is money that goes in the pocket. A legacy goes into the heart and life. Rev. Leonard
Do all you can, by all the means you can, in all the ways you can, in all the places you can, at all the times you can, to all the people you can, al long as you ever can. John Dewey
Those who work hard will make a profit, but those who only talk will be poor. Proverbs 14:23 NCV
Being mediocre, and just living check to check, worry to worry, problem to problem all your whole life—that’s the hard stuff. The easy stuff is sacrificing, focusing, and being intense for just a few years. It will be worth it.
The worst bankruptcy in the world is the person who has lost their enthusiasm. Let someone lose everything else in the world but their enthusiasm and they will come through again to success. –H.W. Arnold
Many a man has failed because he had his wishbone where his backbone should have been. Ronald Reagan
I’ve never seen a monument erected to a pessimist. – Paul Harvey
Money is like manure. If you leave it in a pile, it stinks. But if you spread it around, it does a lot of good.
God has given us two hands—one to receive with and the other to give with. We are not cisterns made for hoarding: we are channels made for sharing. – Rev. Billy Graham
The person who risks nothing, does nothing, has nothing and is nothing. They may avoid suffering and sorrow, but they cannot learn, feel change, grow love, and live. Chained by their certitudes, they are a slave, they have forfeited their freedom. Only a person who risks is free. –Unknown
Pray for a good harvest…BUT keep on hoeing!
Vision without action is a daydream. Action without vision is a nightmare. – Japanese Proverb
The best way to get rich quick is to get rich slow. When it comes to wealth building, perseverance wins. Sprinters do not. True wealth-building is hard and it takes time. If wealth-building were easy, everyone would be rich! It is tough, but once you get there, it puts you in a position to bless others and to change yor family tree. It’s worth it to persevere.
Success is peace of mind, which is a direct result of knowing you did your best to become the best that you are capable of becoming. –John Wooden
Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing. – Helen Keller
He who is waiting for something to “turn up”… might start with his own shirt sleeves. – Sam Walton
More people talk themselves into failure than talk themselves into success. – Zig Ziglar
If you’re looking for a hand, check the end of your arm. — R. J. Murdock
“The problem with socialism is that you eventually run out of other people’s money.” Margaret Thatcher
Life is ten percent what you make it and ninety percent how you take it!
What is required of us now is a new era of responsibility — a recognition on the part of every American that we have duties to ourselves, our nation and the world, duties that we do not grudgingly accept but rather seize gladly, firm in the knowledge
that there is nothing so satisfying to the spirit, so defining of our character, than giving our all to a difficult task.” — Barack Obama
Discipline is the bridge between goals and accomplishment.
The only thing even in this world are the number of hours in a day. The difference in winning or losing is what you do with those hours.
The bad news is time flies. The good news is you’re the pilot
Success and failure. We think of them as opposites, but they’re really not. They’re companions – the hero and the sidekick.
Life is not about waiting for the storms to pass…it’s about learning how to dance in the rain.
Sometimes the best helping hand you can get is a good, firm push.
Feedback is the breakfast of champions.
Failure is simply the opportunity to begin again more intelligently.
The nose of the bulldog is slanted backwards so he can continue to breathe without letting go.
You can have anything you want in life if you just help enough other people get what they want.
Dig the well before you are thirsty.
Knowledge is power, but enthusiasm pulls the switch.
Do the thing you fear, and the death of fear is certain.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
The doors of wisdom are never shut.
In this life we cannot always do great things. We can only do small things with great love.
All the adversity I’ve had in my life, all my troubles have strengthened me…you may not realize it when it happens, but a kick in the teeth may be the best thing in the world for you.
The time is always right to do the right thing.
-Martin Luther King, Jr.
There is only one way to succeed in anything, and that is to give everything. I do and I demand that my players do.
Recession is when a neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours.
Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.
Failure is only the opportunity to begin again more intelligently.
The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dream.
Example is not the main thing in influencing others. It is the only thing.
Do what you can, with what you have, where you are.
The path of least resistance makes men and rivers crooked.
Where attention goes, energy flows.
Ability is what you are capable of doing.
Motivation determines what you do.
Attitude is how well you do it.
The finish line is just the beginning of a whole new race.
Failure is the opportunity to begin again more intelligently. Henry Ford
Circumstances are rulers of the weak but tools of the wise.
We are not humans having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience.
Having resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.
Many people want to serve God, but only as advisers.
Your value lies in your purpose.
Persistence it the expression and evidence of faith.
You have got to become the person who will produce the results you want.
Vision begins with a burden.
Until you hate something, you won’t do anything about it.
When your dream is as crystal clear as your fears, you will achieve it.
Laughter is the lubrication of the wheels of fortune.
Thoughts determine what you want. Action determines what you get.
We only get rich or enriched by the risks we take.
When insults had class….
“He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.”
— Winston Churchill
“A modest little person, with much to be modest about.”
— Winston Churchill (about Clement Attlee)
“I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.”
— Clarence Darrow
“He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.”
— William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
“Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?”
— Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)
“Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I’ll waste no time reading it.”
— Moses Hadas
“He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.”
— Abraham Lincoln
“I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.”
— Groucho Marx
“I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.”
— Mark Twain
“He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.”
— Oscar Wilde
“I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new Play, bring a friend… if you have one.”
— George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
“Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second…if there is one.”
— Winston Churchill, in response
“I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here.”
— Stephen Bishop
“He is a self-made man and worships his creator.”
— John Bright
“I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.”
— Irvin S. Cobb
“He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others.”
— Samuel Johnson
“He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.”
— Paul Keating
“He had delusions of adequacy.”
— Walter Kerr
“There’s nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won’t cure.”
— Jack E. Leonard
“He has the attention span of a lightning bolt.”
— Robert Redford
“They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge.”
— Thomas Brackett Reed
“He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by diligent hard work, he overcame them.”
— James Reston (about Richard Nixon)
“In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.”
— Charles, Count Talleyrand
“He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.”
— Forrest Tucker
“Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?”
— Mark Twain
“His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.”
— Mae West
“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.”
— Oscar Wilde
“He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts…for support rather than illumination.”
— Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
“He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.”
— Billy Wilder
I am a poster child of hope.
If you are unwilling to fail, you have already reached your maximum potential.
Motion is more important than motivation.
CEO’s survive an average of 17 months in America.
What ever you focus on expands.
Conformed but not transformed.
Discouragement is only unresolved disappointment.
It is easier to adjust to the hardships of a poor living than it is to adjust to the hardships of making a better one.
Albert E.N. Gray
26 Beautiful One-liners
1. Give God what’s right — not what’s left.
2. Man’s way leads to a hopeless end — God’s way leads to an endless hope.
3. A lot of kneeling will keep you in good standing.
4. He who kneels before God can stand before anyone.
5. In the sentence of life, the devil may be a comma–but never let him be the period.
6. Don’t put a question mark where God puts a period.
7. Are you wrinkled with burden? Come to the church for a face-lift.
8. When praying, don’t give God instructions – just report for duty.
9. Don’t wait for six strong men to take you to church.
10. We don’t change God’s message — His message changes us.
11. The church is prayer-conditioned.
12. When God ordains, He sustains.
13. WARNING: Exposure to the Son may prevent burning.
14. Plan ahead — It wasn’t raining when Noah built the ark.
15. Most people want to serve God, but only in an advisory position.
16. Suffering from truth decay? Brush up on your Bible.
17. Exercise daily — walk with the Lord.
18. Never give the devil a ride — he will always want to drive.
19. Nothing else ruins the truth like stretching it.
20. Compassion is difficult to give away because it keeps coming back.
21. He who angers you controls you.
22. Worry is the darkroom in which negatives can develop.
23. Give Satan an inch & he’ll be a ruler.
24. Be ye fishers of men — you catch them & He’ll clean them.
25. God doesn’t call the qualified, He qualifies the called.
26. Read the Bible — It will scare the hell out of you.
Our desire for pleasing methods supercedes our desire for pleasing results.
We are satisfied with such results as can be obtained by doing things we like to do.
Unless you have deliberately formed the habit of calling on people who are able to buy but unwilling to listen,
then unconsciously you have formed the habit of calling on people who are willing to listen but unable to buy.
The strength that holds you to your purpose is not your own strength but the strength of the purpose (dream) itself.
If you start a project at the top, it’s probably a hole!
One man with courage is a majority.
Courage is not the opposite of cowardice, conformity is.
The deeper you dig your own well the clearer and more abundant the water you have to share.
An ounce of different is worth a pound of same.
If I thought like you, I could be where you are.
To get the glory you have got to take the abuse.
The average man won’t relate to me. (Dexter )
When I say your thoughts you think I am good.
Performance brings recognition.
People respect you by example.
Success is a series of quality decisions.
It’s always those who do nothing that know everything.
Turkeys are eagles with their dreams plucked.
There’s nothing wrong with fear as long as you face it. Face fear and paralyze it!
Fear can’t be handled by logic. It must be conquered by an emotion like a dream.
It’s only when you love something enough that it will reveal its secrets to you.
Some people can make mountains out of holes in the ground.
The secret is doing less–better.
A winner is defined by the amount of crap they can eat and still smile.
It doesn’t matter if you’re winning or losing when you know the final score.
It’s what I leave in you, not to you, that really count.
Skeptical people are broke.
Happiness is having someone to love something to do and something to hope for.
Find out what poor people read and do–then avoid it.
Who wants to plow another man’s field or work another man’s plan?
If you could hire someone to do things you don’t want to do, what would you have them do?
What are they paying you to do that they don’t want to do?
Most doctors die at 57—killed by their 3rd wife who finds out the other two got his money.
I usually like to speak for 2 to 3 hours. It increases the odds I’ll say something.
You can have many lives by changing!
Each day you improve and become a better person you experience a better life.
His grits weren’t in the middle of his plate.
The best way to get on your feet is to get off your seat.
What ever floats your boat.
If you only listened to your father, he’s all you’d become.
We worship our work. Work at our play. Play at our worship.
Love intoxicates a man. Marriage sobers him up.
It’s not a matter of finding yourself but building yourself.
Every time you get close to what you want, the pain gets worse.
I live in a controlled environment. I’m in control.
I’ve never been successful with people who have not allowed me the privilege of becoming their friend.
I’m in the business of taking a chance on people.
Making inconvenience convenient creates success.
Ships were not made for the safety of the harbor.
There is more money in solving problems than selling products.
The ability to tell the difference between truth and logic is called wisdom.
Nurse your problems and they’ll grow.
If you are not making significant progress in reasonable time, you need to make substantial changes.
Take your money out of your pocket to feed your mind then your mind will fill your pocket.
I’ve got the worst 40 years of my life out of the way.
If we eliminated all the problems, we would eliminate all the professions.
A tree lives by its roots but it is known by its fruits.
I yearn for success like an acorn yearns to be an oak.
Friends are like elevators. They’ll either take you up or down. You choose.
Procrastination is the fear of success. Rationalization is the fear of failure.
Success is a process not a status.
You plan important things. If you don’t have a plan for your future, it’s not important.
Have you broken the habits that made you successful?
Winners look for solutions not scapegoats.
Fix the problem not the blame.
Experience the pain of discipline or the pain of regret.
Success is usually disguised as hard work.
You’ve got to become the kind of person who will produce the results you want.
Persistence is the expression and evidence of faith.
If you have lowered your bucket into the well and come up half empty, lengthen the rope.
Start to solve a problem where it began.
You’re born to choose not to loose.
We are inclined to resent those who try to impart new ideas and new possibilities to us.
We might feel compelled to get out of the rut we are enjoying.
Be gracious with people and ruthless with time.
Allow their struggle or witness their failure.
Did a winner sign your application?
If you’re in pursuit, your message will never catch up. People can only hear you when they’re moving toward you.
If you get criticized by someone who is not where you want to be, you are getting complimented.
In the heat of battle you’ll not exceed your training.
The top has never been reached. Maybe you can find it.
Your value lies in your purpose.
Good is often the worst enemy of best.
The true measure of life is not its duration, but its donation. (Peter Marshall)
Unless you are the lead dog, the scenery never changes.
When your dream is as crystal clear as your fears, you’ll achieve it.
Professionals built the Titanic. Amateurs built the ark.
He said I could name my own salary so I called mine Fred!
You can’t sow the seed today and eat the fruit tomorrow.
A person should only work half a day. Which 12 hours do you want?
If you’ve got to eat a frog, don’t stare at it. Eat the largest one first.
Ignore people who judge you on things that don’t count.
A free ride is the worst handicap you can give someone.
You must get royally screwed once in awhile. The pay for getting screwed is great.
I’m not responsible for others shame.
We can pray, believe and receive or we can pray, doubt and do without.
Imagination is more important than intellect. A dream is more important that knowledge. (Albert Einstein)
You’ll always have the first month’s income, but each month delayed subtracts the last month’s income.
Action makes the unknown known.
People fear success because it brings responsibility, change, and unknown situations.
People don’t fear failure. They repeat it daily.
Get loyal or get lost.
You always hit a low point to hit a grow point.
When tomorrow comes, this day will be gone forever, leaving in its place whatever I have traded for it.
Make what you do today important because you’re trading a day of your life for it.
Be as wary as serpents and harmless as doves.
If you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always got.
When the train is moving fast enough, people are afraid to get off. If it’s stopping at every station, they will get off naturally.
If it is good enough for me, it’s good enough for you.
The way out is through!
My vision opened up and I gained insight.
What you’ve rubbed up against has rubbed off.
No one out performs his or her own self-image.
This business runs on the power of love not the love of power.
It is by constantly pressing upon one’s limits that one’s life becomes larger.
You learn how to build it by building it.
Like winking in the dark.
Like putting a Band-Aid on a severed arm.
Keep giving until God stops giving to you.
Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.
If you don’t change directions, you’ll wind up where you’re headed.
You may not know what you want, but you can get clear on what you don’t want.
Quit looking at potential. Look for dreams and guts.
Every body is entitled to my opinion.
The war is over. I surrendered. I won.
That to which you give your attention controls you.
Consume Him until He consumes you.
Enthusiasm is knowing why you are excited.
Would you be seriously interested in creating a really good income?
The things we want most to be:
· Loved unconditionally
· Admired (heroic)
· Secure and in control
· Accepted socially
Cycle of grief and loss
· Anger – denial – bargain – depressed – acceptance
To the world you are just another person but to another person you are the whole world!
Please don’t put a strain on our relationship by asking me to do something for you.
I like to travel. It makes me feel like I’m getting somewhere.
There has been an alarming increase in the number of things I know nothing about.
I may not be perfect, but parts of me are excellent.
Accept me for what I am–completely unacceptable.
My mind is open by appointment only.
I resent being treated like the sort of person I really am.
What would life be without me?
If only I could get that wonderful felling of accomplishment without having to accomplish anything.
I wish I’d been born with an unfair advantage instead of having to acquire one.
If only I could be respected without having to be respectable.
I had a ticket to the good life, but some how could never find the entrance.
What I want is all the power and none of the responsibility.
I want either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.
I’m too busy to have time for anything important.
Good leaders are scarce so I’m following myself.
When you were born, you were taking a big chance!
Is it possible that your whole purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others?
Take heart. No one is so worthless that they can’t at least serve as a bad example.
But please, don’t recommend me to your friends. It’s difficult enough to cope with you alone.
Enjoy yourself while you are still old.
For God’s sake, tell me what to think!
Let’s organize this thing and take all the fun out of it.
Keep up the good work but please don’t ask me to help.
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and what ever you hit, call it the target.
I desperately need some wise advice, which will recommend that I do what I want to do.
Please reconsider. It’s so hard to take “Get Lost” as an answer.
Be careful or I’ll include you in my plans.
Why is it taking so long for you to bring out all the good in me?
If you don’t let me make you happy, I’ll make you suffer.
I can admit to myself that I was wrong, but I’ll never admit it to you.
What shall I do until you improve?
You are not the only person in the world who doesn’t care enough about me.
Let’s stay together and drag each other down.
Thank you for not annoying me anymore than you do.
I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!
Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
Don’t take life too seriously, you won’t get out alive.
You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
I’m not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
I don’t have to be dead to donate my organ
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather…not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
It IS as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Beer ~ The Reason I Get Up Each Afternoon!
I Must Be a Proctologist Because I Work With Buttheads!
“That’s It! I’m Calling Nana!” – (seen on an 8 year old)
“Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up”
“Rehab Is for Quitters”
“My Dog Can Lick Anyone”
“I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts – Do You Want Fries With That?
“Party – My Crib – Two A.M.” (On a baby-size shirt)
“Finally 21, and Legally Able to Do What I’ve Been Doing Since 15”
“ALL MEN ARE IDIOTS, AND I MARRIED THEIR KING”
“West Virginia: One Million People, and 15 last names”
“FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with the software.”
“I’M OUT OF ESTROGEN AND I’VE GOT A GUN”
“A hangover is the wrath of grapes”
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance”
“STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!”
“They call it “PMS” because “Mad Cow Disease” was already taken”
“He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead”
“Time’s fun when you’re having flies…….Kermit the Frog”
“POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN …. Cops have nothing to go on.”
“FOR SALE – Iraqi rifle. Never fired. Dropped once.”
“HECK IS WHERE PEOPLE GO WHO DON’T BELIEVE IN GOSH”
“A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS But it uses up a thousand times the memory.”
“The Meek shall inherit the earth, after we’re through with it.”
“Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.”
“HAM AND EGGS – A day’s work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment for a pig.”
“WELCOME TO KENTUCKY – Set your watch back 20 years.”
“The trouble with life is there’s no background music.”
“The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.”
“MY WILD OATS HAVE TURNED TO SHREDDED WHEAT”
“Computer programmers don’t byte, they nibble a bit.”
“Computer programmers know how to use their hardware.”
“MOP AND GLOW – Floor wax used by Three Mile Island cleanup team.”
“NyQuil – The stuffy, Sneezy, why-the-hell-is-the-room-spinning-medicine.”
Quoting one is plagiarism; Quoting many is research.”
“My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he
was God and I didn’t!”
“Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom…..and has started to dig.”
“His men would follow him anywhere…but only out of morbid curiosity.”
“I would not allow this employee to breed.”
“This employee is really not so much of a ‘has-been’, but more of a definite ‘won’t be’.”
“Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.”
“When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet.”
“He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.”
“This young lady has delusions of adequacy.”
“He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.”
“This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.”
“This employee should go far, ….. and the sooner he starts, the better.”
“Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.”
“A gross ignoramus – 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.”
“He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless.”
“He doesn’t have ulcers, but he’s a carrier.”
“I would like to go hunting with him sometime.”
“He’s been working with glue too much.”
“He would argue with a signpost.”
“He has a knack for making strangers immediately.”
“He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.”
“When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.”
“If you see two people talking and one looks bored, … he’s the other one.”
“A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.”
“A prime candidate for natural de-selection.”
“Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.”
“Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.”
“Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it.”
“If he were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.”
“If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you’d get change.”
“If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the oceans.”
“It’s hard to believe that he beat 1,000,000 other sperm to the egg.”
“One neuron short of a synapse.”
“Some drink from the fountain of knowledge;…..he only gargled.”
“Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes.”
“The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.”
“God has plans, seasons, and reasons. He has not assigned everyone to you.
When someone says no, go find the ones assigned to you! Don’t let it hurt you.
The Enemy will use those closest to you to create doubt, hurt and disappointment.”
“Lord, give us enough anger to protect ourselves, but not enough to hurt others.
I will give you my fear if You will give me Your peace” (prophetic?)
“Change your name to Team Player for 5 years to win your Diamond pin!”
“Leadership is not who’s following you, but who your are following.”
Plumber’s sign: A flush beats a full house.
It doesn’t matter who shows the plan, it matters who sees it.–Dexter
You can go to college and learn how to climb the corporate ladder. We’ll teach you how to own the ladder!–Dexter
People react to the action of the leadership.
Poverty is a station you pass through but not a destination–Rich DeVos
What if? What else? Like what I was doing was selecting which way I was going to choose to get rich.
(No treasure there!)–Chris Brady
Fill the distance between decision and victory with commitment.
Life isn’t about getting happy just making happy.
Take no heed of gestures that would distract you.
Never ask another man’s permission to perform.
Sorrow looks back, worry looks around, faith looks up.
Perfection is the enemy of excellence,
Insecurity is the basis of perfection.
Those who are certain of the outcome can afford to be patient.
WHEN YOU CAN’T SLEEP, DON’T COUNT SHEEP, TALK TO THE SHEPHERD.
The only true measure of your success is how close you come to 100% of your Capabilities
There is something fascinating about watching the muscle break through the fat—like a chick breaking out of an egg shell.
A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
There is nothing wrong with possessing riches. The wrong comes when riches possess people.
A true friend is one who thinks you’re a good egg even though you’re half cracked.
The bubbling brook would lose its song if you removed the rocks.
Life is so much richer with dreams even if they don’t all come true!
If you’re not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he’s the guy who once said
“I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen…and replaced by exact duplicates.”
Here are some more of his gems:
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Half the people you know are below average.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. (Think about it some more.)
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
My mechanic told me, “I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.
The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don’t have film.
The wisdom of Will Rogers:
Don’t squat with your spurs on.
Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad
Lettin’ the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier’n puttin’ it back in.
If you’re ridin’ ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then
to make sure it’s still there.
If you get to thinkin’ you’re a person of some influence, try orderin’
somebody else’s dog around.
After eating an entire steer, a mountain lion felt so good he started
roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The
moral of this story is:- When you’re full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
There’s two theories to arguin’ with a woman. Neither one works.
If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin’.
Never slap a man who’s chewin’ tobacco.
It don’t take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
Always drink upstream from the herd.
When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don’t be
surprised if they learn their lesson.
When you’re throwin’ your weight around, be ready to have it thrown
around by somebody else.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it
back in your pocket.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
There are three kinds of men.
The one that learns by reading.
The few who learn by observation.
The rest of them have to touch the electric fence for themselves.
When you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling.
Live your life so that when you die, you’re the one who is smiling and everyone around you is crying.
May you have enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong,
enough sorrow to keep you human, enough hope to make you happy.
Faith is the door all miracles come through, and prayer opens the door.
COFFEE, CHOCOLATE, MEN … SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER RICH
DON’T TREAT ME ANY DIFFERENTLY THAN YOU WOULD THE QUEEN
I’M OUT OF ESTROGEN AND I HAVE A GUN
OF COURSE I DON’T LOOK BUSY…I DID IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME
ALL STRESSED OUT AND NO ONE TO CHOKE
I CAN BE ONE OF THOSE BAD THINGS THAT HAPPENS TO BAD PEOPLE
IF YOU WANT BREAKFAST IN BED, SLEEP IN THE KITCHEN
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.
It’s always darkest before dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.
Don’t be irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.
Always remember that you’re unique. Just like everyone else.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple car payments.
Before you criticize anyone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes!
If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.
Some days you’re the bug; some days you’re the windshield.
Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
Duct tape is like “The Force.” It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your lips are moving.
Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.