Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, “Why is the bride dressed in white?” “Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life.” The child thought about this for a moment, then said, “So why is the groom wearing black?”
A little girl dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, “Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late! Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late!” As she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes
dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again. As she ran she once again began to pray, “Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late…But please don’t shove me either!”
A little girl became restless as the preacher’s sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, “Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?”
Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers.
The first boy says, “My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50.”
The second boy says, “That’s nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.”
The third boy says, “I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon. And it takes eight people to collect all the money!”
Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn’t have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn’t have to hear about the way his mother cooked.
An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, “They wouldn’t take me out while I was alive, I don’t want them to take me out when I’m dead.
A police recruit was asked during the exam, ‘What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?” He said, “Call for backup,”
A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, “And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?” Annie replied, “Because people are sleeping.”
A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied: “They couldn’t get a baby sitter.”
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to “honor thy father and thy mother,” she asked “Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?” Without missing a beat one little boy answered, “Thou shall not kill.”
At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam’s ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, Johnny
what is the matter? Little Johnny responded, “I have pain in my side. I think I’m going to have a wife,”
I spend half my time being witty. That’s why people call me a half wit.
These, are real answers given by children.
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists..
Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g., abdomen).
A: The body is consisted into three parts – the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A,E,I,O and U.
Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.
Q: What does “varicose” mean?
Q: Give the meaning of the term “Caesarean Section”
A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome.
Q: What does the word “benign” mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
Deep Thoughts On Work
* Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn’t the work he/she is supposed to be doing.
* At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.
* When in doubt — anythingcan be filed under “miscellaneous.”
* Following the rules will not get the job done. BUT Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.
* If it weren’t for the last minute, nothing would get done.
* If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
* Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
* You are a succesful secretary if you can keep your boss’s boss off your boss’s back.
* No matter how much you do, you never do enough.
* People who go to conferences are the ones who don’t understand the problem.
* The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong for the next six months. If you are clever, this can be extended to one year,
* To err is human, to forgive is not company policy.
* When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, “how would Tonto explain this to the Lone Ranger?”
* When you don’t know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
A preacher was called upon to substitute for the regular minister, who had failed to reach the church because he was delayed in a snowstorm. The speaker began by explaining the meaning of substitute.
“If you break a window,” he said, “and then place cardboard there instead, that is a substitute.”
After the sermon, a woman who had listened intently shook hands with him and wishing to compliment him actually said, “You were no substitute. You were a real pane.”
Two elderly women were fussing about their husbands over tea one day.
“I do wish my Leroy would stop biting his nails. That makes me terribly nervous!” the first one said.
“Oh, my Elmer used to do the same thing,” the other woman commented. “But I broke him of that habit real quick.”
“What did you do?”
“I hid his teeth!”
A Sunday school teacher was teaching her class about the difference between right and wrong.
“All right children, let’s take another example,” she said. “If I were to get into a man’s pocket and take his billfold with all his money, what would I be?”
Little Johnny raises his hand, and with a confident smile, he blurts out, “You’d be his wife!”
Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle:
“Take two aspirin” and “Keep away from children.”
You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 telling them to sit down and be quiet.
Grandchildren are God’s reward for not killing your children.
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like cleaning the driveway before it has stopped snowing.
Mothers of teens know why animals eat their young.
I asked Mom if I was a gifted child … she said they certainly wouldn’t have paid for me.
The main purpose of holding children’s parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.
We child proofed our home three years ago and they’re still getting in!
Becky prepared a pasta dish for a dinner party she was giving. In her haste, however, she forgot to refrigerate the spaghetti sauce, and it sat on the counter all day. She was worried about spoilage, but it was too late to cook up another batch. She called the local Poison Control Center and voiced her concern. They advised Becky to boil the sauce again.
That night, the phone rang during dinner, and a guest volunteered to answer it. Becky’s face dropped as the guest called out, “It’s the Poison Control Center. They want to know how the spaghetti sauce turned out.”
Little Johnny’s new baby brother was screaming up a storm. He asked his mom, “Where’d we get him?”
His mother replied, “He came from heaven, Johnny.”
Johnny says, “WOW! I can see why they threw him out!”
“Under Our Skin!”
There once was an oyster, whose story I tell;
Who found that some sand, had gotten into his shell.
It was only a grain, but it gave him great pain;
For oysters have feelings, although they are plain.
Now, did he berate the harsh workings of fate,
That had brought him to such a deplorable state?
“No,” he said to himself, “Since I cannot remove it,
I’ll lie in my shell, and think how to improve it.”
The years rolled around,as the years always do,
And he came to his ultimate Destiny…stew.
Now the small grain of sand that had bothered him so,
Was a beautiful pearl all richly aglow.
This tale has a moral, for isn’t it grand,
What an oyster can do with a morsel of sand?
Think… What could WE do, If we’d only begin,
With some of the things that get under OUR skin.
The psychiatrist’s receptionist went to her boss and said, “Doctor, there’s a man in the office who thinks he’s invisible.”
The psychiatrist replied, “Tell him I can’t see him.”
“Dear Milkman, I’ve just had a baby, please leave another one.”
“Please leave an extra pint of paralyzed milk.”
“Please don’t leave any more milk. All they do is drink it”
“Milkman please close the gate behind you because the birds keep pecking the tops off the milk.”
“Sorry not to have paid your bill before, but my wife had a baby and I’ve been carrying it around in my pocket for weeks.”
“Sorry about yesterday’s note. I didn’t mean one egg and a dozen pints, but the other way round.”
“When you leave my milk knock on my bedroom window and wake me because I want you ‘to give me a hand to turn the mattress.”
My daughter says she wants a milkshake. Do you do it before you deliver or do I have to shake the bottle.”
“Please send me a form for cheap milk, for I have a baby two months old and did not know about it until a neighbor told me.”
“Milk is needed for the baby. Father is unable to supply it.”
“From now on please leave two pints every other day and one pint on the days in between, except Wednesdays and Saturdays when I don’t want any milk.”
My back door is open. Please put milk in ‘fridge, get money out of cup in drawer and leave change on kitchen table, because we want to play bingo tonight.”
“Please leave no milk today. When I say today, I mean tomorrow, for I wrote this note yesterday or is it today?”
“When you come with the milk please put the coal on the boiler, let dog out and put newspaper inside the screen door. PS. Don’t leave any milk.”
“No milk. Please do not leave milk at No. 14 either as he is dead until further notice.”
I went to the store the other day, I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket.
So I went up to him and said, ‘Come on buddy, how about giving a guy a break?’ He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil neck. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires!!
So I called him more names. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!! This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
I didn’t care. My car was parked around the corner.
A priest and pastor from the local parishes were standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that read, “The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it’s too late!”
They planned to hold up the sign to each passing car. As the first driver sped past, he yelled, “Leave us alone you religious nuts!” From around the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash.
One clergy said to the other, “Do you think we should just put up a sign that says, ‘Bridge Out’ instead?”
Homilies To Live By
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won’t bother you for weeks.
I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, “Well, that’s not going to happen.”
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
The other night I ate at a real family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to.
According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman is their eyes, and women say the first thing they notice about men is they’re a bunch of liars.
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
Have you noticed that a slight tax increase costs you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?
There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.
A young man dies and goes to Heaven, where he finds he is third in line at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter is taking a much-needed break, so an angel is admitting the newly arrived to Heaven.
The angel tells the three new arrivals that because so many drug dealers and other criminals have managed to sneak into Heaven that St. Peter must now be a little stricter with the screening process. Each person is required to state his former occupation and tell his or her yearly salary.
The first man in line says, “I was an actor, and I earned $1 million last year.”
The angel says, “Okay, you may enter.” He turns to the woman in line and asks her about her life.
She states, “I earned $150,000 as an attorney.” The angel thinks for a moment and then lets her in, too.
He turns to the third one in line and asks, “What have you done with your life?”
The man replies, “I earned $8,000 last year…”
“Oh,” the angel interrupts. “What did you teach?”
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For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
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Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.
For Sale — Eight puppies from a German Shepherd and an Alaskan Hussy.
Great Dames for sale.
Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
Vacation Special: have your home exterminated. Morris had been playing golf for years, and he had the finest equipment, but his technique never improved a bit.
As his friend watched, he teed up at the first hole and promptly drove a brand-new ball into the woods. On the second hole, he drove another new ball into a lake. On the third, he lost a new ball in another part of the woods.
“Why don’t you use an old ball?” his friend Sam asked.
“I’ve never had an old ball,” Morris said.
Preparing for the most important presentation of his life, a sales rep went to a psychiatrist. “I’ll implant a hypnotic suggestion in your mind,” said the shrink. “Just say ‘one-two-three,’ and you’ll give the presentation of your life. However, do not say ‘one-two-three-four,’ because it will cause you to freeze up and make a fool or yourself.”
The sales rep was ecstatic. He tried it at home and gave a fabulous presentation. He tried it at work, and got a standing ovation. Then came the big day. Everything was set up in the boardroom and the CEO signaled him to start. The sales rep whispered under his breath, “One-two-three.”
Then the CEO asked, “What did you say ‘one-two-three’ for?”
An engineer, a psychologist, and a theologian were hunting in the wilderness of northern Canada.
Suddenly, the temperature dropped and a furious snowstorm was upon them. They came across an isolated cabin, far removed from any town. The hunters had heard that the locals in the area were quite hospitable, so they knocked on the door to ask permission to rest.
No one answered their knocks, but they discovered the cabin was unlocked and they entered. It was a simple place … 2 rooms with a minimum of furniture and household equipment. Nothing was unusual about the cabin except the stove. It was large, pot-bellied, and made of cast-iron. What was strange about it was its location … it was suspended in midair by wires attached to the ceiling beams.
“Fascinating,” said the psychologist. “It is obvious that this lonely trapper, isolated from humanity, has elevated this stove so that he can curl up under it and vicariously experience a return to the womb.”
“Nonsense!” replied the engineer. “The man is practicing the laws of thermodynamics. By elevating his stove, he has discovered a way to distribute heat more evenly throughout the cabin.”
“With all due respect,” interrupted the theologian, “I’m sure that hanging his stove from the ceiling has religious meaning. Fire LIFTED UP has been a religious symbol for centuries.”
The three debated the point for several hours without resolving the issue. When the trapper finally returned, they immediately asked him why he had hung his heavy pot-bellied stove from the ceiling.
His answer was succinct. “Had plenty of wire, not much stove pipe.”
A preacher prepared for Sunday morning service, but only one person, a farmer, was there. He asked the farmer, “What do you think we should do?”
The farmer replied with a draw, “Well, if only one cow came into the barn, I’d feed it.”
So the preacher mounted the pulpit and began to preach… and preach … and preach. After about two hours, he concluded.
Then he stepped down and said to the farmer, “So, what did you think?”
The farmer replied, “Well, if only one cow came into the barn, I certainly wouldn’t try to feed it all the hay.”
Have you heard about the pharmaceutical company that developed a new drug which, when administered to women, compels them to go join a convent?
The FDA refused to license it. Seems it was habit forming.
My mom is a less than fastidious housekeeper.
One evening my dad returned home from work, walked into the kitchen and teased her, “You know, dear, I can write my name in the dust on the mantel.”
Mom turned to him and sweetly replied, “Yes, darling, I know. That’s why I married a college graduate.”
My kindergarten-aged daughter suddenly announced just before school that she needed to take a clean tee shirt to class. She told us the teacher was going to iron an anti-drug message on it.
My wife frantically swept through my daughter’s room, finding nothing usable but one tee shirt that already had something printed on one side. She sent it off to school with my daughter. That afternoon, my daughter returned and happily showed off her shirt.
On one side it said, “Families are Forever.” And on the other, “Be Smart, Don’t Start.”
A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: “I am placed in the door and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go.”
“But how do you know when you are going to land?” he was asked.
“I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground” he answered.
“But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?” he was again asked.
The man quickly answered. “Oh, the dog’s leash goes slack…”
When was younger I hated going to weddings… it seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, ‘You’re next.’
They stopped that after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
Little Noah came into the house with a new harmonica.
“Grandpa, do you mind if I play this in here?”
“Of course not, Noah. I love music. In fact, when your grandma and I were young, music saved my life.”
“Well, it was during the famous Johnstown flood. The dam broke, and when the water hit out house it knocked it right off the foundation. Grandma got on the dining room table and floated out safely.”
“But how did music save you?”
“Me? I accompanied her on the piano!”
A mother and a daughter are shopping in the mall, when the mother eyes an expensive fur coat. “This year,” she says, “I think that I will buy my present instead of making you and dad shop for me.” The daughter nods in agreement. “And I think this fur coat would be perfect too.”
The daughter protests, “But mom, some helpless, poor creature has to suffer so that you can have this.”
“Don’t worry honey,” says the mother, “your father won’t get the bill for a couple of weeks.”
A husband went to buy a birthday gift for his wife. Some friends had been invited over that night to celebrate her fortieth, and he wanted to get something special. At the store he spotted some cute little music boxes. One blue one was playing “Happy Birthday.” Thinking they were all the same, he chose a red one and had it gift-wrapped.
Later, at dinner, he gave it to his wife and asked her to open it. When she lifted the lid, out came the tune to “The Old Gray Mare, She Ain’t What She Used to Be!”
After being with her all evening, the man couldn’t stand another minute with his blind date. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him on the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened. He was relieved when the waiter told him he had a phone call.
When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim look and said, “I have bad news. My my house is on fire.”
“Wonderful!” his date said. “If yours hadn’t burned, mine would have had to.”
Two mothers were talking about their sons. The first said, “My son is such a saint. He works hard, doesn’t smoke, and he hasn’t so much as looked at a woman in over two years.”
The other woman said, “Well, my son is a saint himself. Not only hasn’t he not looked at a woman in over three years, but he hasn’t touched a drop of liquor in all that time.”
“My word,” the first mother said. “You must be so proud.”
“I am,” the second mother replied. “And when he’s paroled next month, I’m going to throw him a big party.”
When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower.
She said, “Mommy, you are getting fat!”
I replied, “Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy”
“I know,” she replied, “but what’s growing in your butt?”
One afternoon a waiter served a bowl of chicken soup to an elderly gentleman. As he turned away to return to the kitchen the customer stopped him, calling:……”Waiter!”
WAITER: “Yes,sir, is there something wrong?”
CUSTOMER: “The soup. Taste it.”
WAITER: “I beg your pardon, Sir?”
CUSTOMER: “Taste it.”
WAITER: “But, Sir, I can assure you that the soup is excellent.”
CUSTOMER: “Taste it.”
WAITER: “Sir, the soup was made this morning of the finest ingredients.”
CUSTOMER: “Taste it!”
WAITER: exasperated, “All right, Sir, I’ll taste it.”
Then after a pause he said, “Where is the spoon?”
To which the customer replied triumphantly, “Ah ha!!”
A space shuttle was launched with two monkeys and a woman on board. Once the shuttle was in orbit, the control centre radioed instructions: “Monkey number one! Monkey number one to the console!”
The monkey scurried over, perched itself in front of the console and was told to release the pressure in compartment one, increase the temperature in engine four and release oxygen to the reactors. The monkey adjusted the pressure and temperature and released the oxygen.
A few moments later the control centre called again:
“Monkey number two! Monkey number two to the console!” Monkey number two swung over and settled in front of the control panel. He was told to add carbon dioxide to room four, stop the fuel injection to engine three, add nitrogen to the fuel compartment and analyze the solar radiation. So the monkey adjusted the carbon dioxide, fuel injection and nitrogen and analyzed the solar radiation.
A little later, headquarters called again:
“Woman, please! Woman approach the console!”
The woman wandered over and sat down. Before she could receive any orders she blurted out, “I know! I know! Feed the monkeys and don’t touch anything!”
Two men, sentenced to die in the electric chair on the same day, were led down to the room in which they would meet their maker. The priest had given them last rites, the formal speech had been given by the warden, and a final prayer had been said among the participants.
The warden, turning to the first man, solemnly asked, “Son, do you have a last request?”
The man replied, “Yes sir, I do. I love dance music. Could you please play the Macarena for me one last time?”
“Certainly,” replied the warden.
He turned to the other man and asked, “Well, what about you, son? What is your final request?”
“Please,” said the condemned man, “kill me first.”
I had an offer from a large company and they offered to fly me out to the meeting on business class. During the return flight we were given gourmet brownies and cookies. Not hungry, I decided to save them for later, so I placed them in an airsickness courtesy bag.
After the plane landed I got up to leave and a stewardess approached me. She asked, “Sir, would you like for me to dispose of that for you?”
I said, “No thanks, I’m saving it for my kids.”
Before I could start my first job right out of college, I had to present evidence that I was a U.S. citizen. I showed up with my driver’s license and birth certificate. The clerk looked at my driver’s license and copied down some information. She then picked up my birth certificate and gave it a long look.
“Is anything wrong?” I asked.
“Yes,” she said. “I can’t find the expiration date.”
The Governor was in the habit of scheduling part of his day to hear the pleas of relatives of prisoners. One day, a woman came to beg that her husband be released from prison. “What was he convicted of?” the Governor asked.
“Stealing a loaf of bread.”
“And is he a good husband to you?”
“Not really,” the woman replied. “He’s lazy, bullies the kids, runs around with other woman, and he not much use for anything else.”
“Then why would you want him released?” the Governor asked.
“We’re out of bread again.”
Our five-year-old son went to a church conference with my wife and me. He got restless, so my wife handed him a pad and pencil and suggested he mark down every time the speaker said the word “and.”
After a while, he grew bored, and I asked, “Would you like to listen for a different word?”
“Yes,” he whispered. “I’d like to listen for ‘Amen’.”
Seven year old Johnny had finished his summer vacation and gone back to school.
Two days later his teacher phoned his mother to tell her that John was misbehaving.
“Wait a minute,” she said. “I had Johnny here for two months and I never called you once when he misbehaved.”
A man goes into the doctor. He says “Doc, you gotta check my leg. Something’s wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you’ll hear it!” The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man’s thigh only to hear “Gimme 20 bucks, I really need 20 bucks.”
“I’ve never seen or heard anything like this before, how long has this been going on.” The doctor asked.
“That’s nothing Doc. put your ear to my knee.”
The doctor put his ear to the man’s knee and heard it say “Man, I really need 10 dollars, just lend me 10 bucks!!”
“Sir, I really don’t know what to tell you. I’ve never seen anything like this.” The doctor was dumbfounded.
“Wait Doc. that’s not it. There’s more, just put your ear up to my ankle.” The man urged him.
The doctor did as the man said and was blown away to hear his ankle plead, “Please, I just need 5 dollars. Lend me 5 buck please if you will.”
“I have no idea what to tell you,” the doctor said. “There’s nothing in about it in my books!” he said as he frantically searched all his medical reference books.
“I can make a well educated guess though. Based on life and all my previous experience I can tell you that your leg seems to be broke in three places.”
Perhaps you’ve heard of the man who thought he was dead, when in reality he was very much alive. His delusion became such a problem that his family finally paid for him to see a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist spent many laborious sessions trying to convince the man he was still alive. Nothing seemed to work.
Finally the doctor tried one last approach. He took out his medical books and proceeded to show the patient that dead men don’t bleed. After hours of tedious study, the patient seemed convinced that dead men don’t bleed.
“Do you now agree that dead men don’t bleed?” the doctor asked.
“Yes, I do.” The patient replied.
“Very well, then,” the doctor said. He took out a pin and pricked the patient’s finger. Out came a trickle of blood. The doctor asked, “What does ‘that’ tell you?”
“Oh wow!” the patient exclaimed as he stared incredulously at his finger. “Dead men “do” bleed!!”
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird’s mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird’s attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to “clean up” the bird’s vocabulary.
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he’d hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto John’s outstretched arms and said “I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I’m sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior.”
John was stunned at the change in the bird’s attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, “May I ask what the turkey did?”
At a country-club party a young man was introduced to an attractive girl. Immediately he began paying her court and flattering her outrageously. The girl liked the young man, but she was taken a bit aback by his fast and ardent pitch. She was amazed when after 30 minutes he seriously proposed marriage.
“Look,” she said. “We only met a half hour ago. How can you be so sure? We know nothing about each other.”
“You’re wrong,” the young man declared. “For the past 5 years I’ve been working in the bank where your father has his account.
They Get Old . . .
Old hackers never die, they just go to bits.
Old hardware engineers never die, they just cache in their chips.
Old hippies never die, they just smell that way.
Old horticulturists never die, they just go to pot.
Old hypochondriacs never die, they just lose their grippe.
Old investors never die, they just roll over.
Old journalists never die, they just get de-pressed.
Old knights in chain mail never die, they just shuffle off their metal coils.
Old laser physicists never die, they just become incoherent.
Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal.
Old limbo dancers never die, they just go under.
Old mathematicians never die, they just disintegrate.
Old milkmaids never die, they just lose their whey.
Old ministers never die, they just get put out to pastor…
Old musicians never die, they just get played out.
Old number theorists never die, they just get past their prime.
Old numerical analysts never die, they just get disarrayed.
Old owls never die, they just don’t give a hoot.
Old pacifists never die, they just go to peaces.
Old professors never die, they just lose their class.
My uncle Joe and his best buddy, Tim, went hunting a couple of weeks ago. Somehow they got lost. Uncle Joe reassured his buddy, though. “Don’t worry. All we have to do is shoot into the air three times, stay where we are, and someone will find us.”
They shot in the air three times, but no one came. After a while, they tried it again. Still no response. When they decided to try once more, Tim said, “It better work this time. We’re down to our last three arrows.”
I pulled up to the drive-thru of a fast-food restaurant and ordered coffee. I asked the clerk to put some ice cubes into the cup so that I could drink the cool coffee quickly. At the window, there was a delay.
Finally, a teen-aged girl came to the window looking frustrated. “I’m having a problem,” she announced. “The ice keeps melting.”
The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn’t paying attention in class.
She called on him and said, “Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?”
Little Johnny quickly replied, “NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!”
Irving was just coming out of anesthesia after a series of tests in the hospital, and his wife, Sarah, was sitting at his bedside. His eyes fluttered open, and he murmured, “You’re beautiful.”
Flattered, Sarah continued her vigil while he drifted back to sleep. Later he woke up and said, “You’re cute.”
“What happened to ‘beautiful’?” Sarah asked.
“The drugs are wearing off,” he replied.
A customer sent an order to a distributor for a large amount of goods totaling a great deal of money.
The distributor noticed that the previous bill hadn’t been paid. The collections manager left a voice-mail for them saying, “We can’t ship your new order until you pay for the last one.”
The next day the collections manager received a collect phone call, “Please cancel the order. We can’t wait that long.”
Two older women, Coleen and Melinda, who were rivals in a social circle met at a Christmas party at their country club.
“My dear,” said Melinda, “Are those real pearls?”
“They are,” replied Coleen.
“Of course the only way I could tell would be for me to bite them,” smiled Melinda.
Coleen responded, “Yes, but for that you would need real teeth.”
The men convalescing at a veterans’ hospital during World War II were encouraged to use a nearby golf course.
Not all of the patients were strong enough to complete nine holes, but most of them managed to make it to the fifth fairway, which adjoined a tomato farm. These “off the vine” tomatoes were about the most delicious things the men had ever tasted. Consequently, much grumbling accompanied the installation of fence posts along the farm’s property line.
Joseph Stalin’s grave was a Communist Plot.